i thought he was 22...he said he was 25..he was 19...im 26..it doesnt count if you dont know right?
just won a stolen shopping cart in a dance off in a parking lot.
Give me one situation where peeing in your garage could be a bad idea
the man who designed bathrooms to have toilets within easy puking distance from the shower is my hero
I started making my dollar bills into rings for the strippers
I have a beer in one hand and a slim fast in another. It's another one of those wednesday nights.
She's cheated on every boyfriend she's ever had with the same guy. She's like a slutty yo-yo.
Oh god I may vomit into the teacup of debauchery.
Did you make me take pictures of your ass last night because you fucked on some wet paint or did i dream that?
we were hooking up and then he goes "you can touch my penis" and i laughed too hard to do anything. no second date.
He is dating a girl who is on the Olympic shooting team...I've never been so scared to hit on a guy with a girlfriend in my entire life.
I'm going to take a nap so I don't feel like a stripper sneezed in my mouth tomorrow morning at work.
If I get aids I am starting a lawsuit against snapchat.
She may be more beautiful than I am, but I bet she hasnt pissed in as many public places as me...
Highlight your past hook-ups. You've been stabbed, shot at, run over, and chased down the road...no you can't bring new bar bitch over here!
Dude she has a friend!!!!
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