my fingers and penis are no longer on speaking terms. My penis is too jealous of where my fingers get to go.
so he let me use one of the toothbrushes that came in his daughters 4 pack, purple glittery toddler toothbrush, the next time i came back his wife has used their label maker and put my name on it...
Is it bad that now when i read ingredients in the food I eat i only read it as shrooms instead of mushrooms ?
He's tryingto open a beer with a Police baton. Cut him off or see where this leads?
The bartender cut me off so I peed in the corner. How no one noticed I have no idea.
while she was riding me, she looked at me and said "this is why mom told me learning how to ride a horse would be important for my future"
I was too sleepy and drunk to verbally annihilate anyone and ruin their reason for being. So i just opted to sleep with the fitted sheet on the floor
I still count it as showing your tits. Even though the wall was the only one who saw anything. Your boyfriend was pissed.
we tried to exchange flip flops in the parking lot and fell over then army crawled home
True love: he brought me a margarita while was in the shower. He's a keeper.
I wrote myself a letter, like I think drunk me wants to be pen pals or something
he just used a semicolon in the middle of a sext
So i just remembered that thing i use to do with your butt because of shark week.
My professor just asked for my number. Not fucking her till after finals though I learned my lesson last time.
So hungover that I might just sit in my car and wait until chipotle opens...in two hours...
Randomize
