I'm sitting next to this guy at the bar. I wrote him a little song in my head it goes "there is no fucking chance you're getting in my pants" gonna sing it to him after he buys me another drink.
so i decided to listen to you and went ahead and slept with him. you owe me 3 minutes
when i was alone, his dick was there for me...
i don't know where i am. i made bad decisions. i think this guy is dead.
we sixty- nined on a tennis court.. not even drunk. you say insane. i say creative genius.
She has an emergency bra in her purse. I'm gonna check no on the 'introducing her to my new boyfriend' box.
I mean, I'm not looking for prince charming. I'm looking for the glass slipper of dicks.
Found my shoes and purse. They're all strapped together in my neighbor's tree. Need to borrow your ladder. Thanks in advance
she chugged a bowl of salsa and then gave my ferret weight loss tips. she's like my fucking spirit animal now
Well I talked to some Canadians today, and I'm keeping a vigilant watch for sharks, so I'm pretty booked up.
I have to make calls today at work. So I'm gonna call your phone and leave some random messages. Just delete them.
You spent an hour sitting naked in your neighbor's Jeep Wrangler yelling in a terrible British accent about how you were "on a safari". Then you passed out on your lawn.
I was literally so lonely last night that I stopped watching a video on porn hub and just read the comments
im having flashbacks to my time in a waffle cult composed of 9 to 14 year olds
It's officially "let him eat me out in a sundress with no panties" season. Needless to say the first date was a success.
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