If it wasnt for meatballs I would have fucking killed myself already.
i hate that you can chart my weight gain through my facebook pictures.
what you doin?
I just woke up vomited poured myself a chocolate milk and turned on the peoples court. you?
reread what you just wrote and reconsider your entire life
I just found out that the liquid capacity of my breasts is 700ml each. I should not be left alone at home when drunk.
Shotgunned a beer while taking a bath.
I think the multiple Sunday morning sirens outside my window are a plot by the cops to get back at me for the shit we pulled last night. Or I should move to a better area.
I woke up and the only 2 bowls I own were shattered on my floor. Pretty sure my hand and tailbone are broken and I have no idea what the fuck happened
Just saw some dude tumble down the stairs of the bar while leaving...fist pump...and then sprint down the road
My gut is currently telling me that Jesus did not intend for us to eat shrimp pad thai on Easter
Is this a considering it or regretting it text?
I just shit out what feels like an entire shrimp with claws and all. You tell me.
HE STARTED HUMMING THE THEME TO STAR WARS!! WHILE I'M SUCKING HIS DICK!!
I'm home now if you wanna come over.
Sloane just tried to lick my eyeball. I'm going to regain my composure then I'll be there.
Welcome to Missouri, the show me your genitals state.
The Vicodin is in the strawberries.
I'm so happy we share a mutual love of laughing at religion.
Well we can add this to the list of 'where the hell did that bruise come from?'
Randomize
