your parents love me but you hate me
Why do bread and butter chips remind me of eating out your mom?
Did you push me into the oil wrestling or did I elect to do it?
You said you wanted to do it, but I gave you a friendly nudge.
Hah, I lost the lenses in my glasses, didn't event notice til this morning... How was the meeting?
I just did a sobriety test in a tutu.
VODKA 4LOKO BEER NOT IN THE CLEAR
I projectile vomited in his sisters room where the toiled would have been if it were the bathroom.
Such a good question, let's ask the alcohol gods for the answer.
i was trying to figure out what "tidy fucking" was when i realized he meant "titty fucking" and i need to start banging smarter people....
I am laying in your bed and just found a bottle of wine under your pillow ...should have married you...
He bought the 12 pack of condoms. I take that as a sign of serious commitment.
Well, after a pitcher of beer, I set my ex on fire. It was a little fire, he's fine. How's your night?
Beer. Pizza. Seething Rage. I will be full of two of these things tonight. You get to decide which two.
Sexting just isn't as much fun once you learn how bad he is in bed...
In hindsight, maybe rearranging his living room because he has OCD while he was out wasnt the greatest idea. Though it'll keep him busy for HOURS
Randomize
