If last night was a website it would be called poordecisions.com OR uncircumcisedspanishweiner.org
Once again you get dinner and all I get is semen on my leg
my mom just texted me to let me know that Hooters is hiring
i wish my mom had big dreams like that for me
ive come to the point where weve hung out more times sober than drunk. i think im growing up. fuck.
we are playing family charades. my sister pointed at me. everyone guessed alcoholic.
Its official vodka lemonade jager and whiskey with coorslight is a bad combination of try to forget the work week cocktail ps bring alkaseltzer
Can I just have sex with him and then never talk to him? I need him to be the Mr. Miyagi of my sex life.
You're about to makeout with my vagina, I don't think she cares that you haven't brushed your teeth. Just get over here!
Also, you need to stop getting hammered and taking showers with people.
He doesn't deserve you. Your ass looks 8 times better than his face ever will. Wanna order pizza and watch porn?
He passed out. I tried to set his chest hair on fire.
Did I tell you guys I was bisexual last night? I just had a flashback
That was right around the time that the drunken mess pulled out his dick in front of myself and like 10 other people and started peeing all over the train platform while saying, "Sometimes a bear gets you brother. Sometimes a bear gets you."
Pretty standard Thursday night commute for you, no?
so he's a sleeptalker.
yeah??
"Mitochondria is the powerhouse of the cell" right in my ear. 2 am.
I really wanted you to make me eggs this afternoon. I even wrote it on my hand to remind myself.
Randomize
