I'm waiting for seagulls to eat this throw up
i just wish he would text me so i could ignore his text and show him how little i care anymore
This frat boy drinking a forty and wearing a pussy patrol shirt just ran out in front of my car. I should have used less brakes.
Yeah I'm about to go down a waterslide that comes out a 2nd story window. I love college.
He got drunk and insisted on licking my eyeball and called it a test of my trust in him.
like when he blacked out and we found him in the garden eating your tomatoes off the vine
I ate a pepperoni off of someone's floor last night. We need to talk.
Well I will be attending the wedding with a flask of wine, potentially with a straw, and POM POMS for cheering purposes. Needless to say I will be well lubricated by your arrival..
I was thrown in the air atleast 3 times by baby jesus
Has my life seriously led me to day drinking on a Monday the third week of the semester?
It's after 5, it's not day drinking.
I'm pretty sure I did the Macarena with a gay guy while shot gunning a beer
I asked for my Beats earbuds back and he sent me a pic of them tied around his penis. Now I miss both my great ear buds and his great dick
I got high with the cantor. Rethinking this whole non-practicing Jew thing.
I yelled out "blow jobs!" in my macroeconomics class. Ask me more about how my life is spiraling out of control.
Decided to smoke a bowl in my closet while my parents are gone. Just sat in the closet because I couldn't remember how to get out. Started panicking cuz I thought they were gonna show up... Checked my phone. It's been 4 minutes.
Randomize
