You know you have a problem when you walk into your bathroom find kettle one in your shower and a note you wrote yourself when drunk that says "panties at jared leto's" on your counter
Just whacked off in the middle of writing a paper, gave me great ideas. Note, should do this more often.
in the morning i found her name, number and address on one of the empty pizza boxes. also said "ps. if you find my shoes please mail to me."
Just got cockblocked by coyotes. This would happen to me.
Every once in a while you'd chuckle to yourself, and when I asked you what's so funny u replied "sometimes my toes tickle eachother"
I found her in the bathroom licking her screwdriver off the floor. she said there was no way she was wasting a $6 drink.
I really really need to have and out of body experience just so I can talk to myself about this shit that I'm doing with my life.
Well, that was my first dog walk of shame. Nothing says "I've got my life together" like an inside out shirt and a baggie full of dog shit.
It's called hot rabbit the party if he asks the password is "careful" don't ask
Watching a bear prancing around in a tiara is worth a loss of bar time.
My vagina needs a break, I had to ice it with a beer bottle last night.
I fucked your neighbor. Welcome to the new apartment!
So what's the protocol on sending your exes new wife a baby shower gift that says "thanks for getting him the hell out of my life, please keep him there!"?
So glad I can hide money in my wallet and drunk me is too stupid to find it. Hangover sushi ftw.
OMG also, I'm sorry I tased you a lil
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