So as she is about to take the walk of shame she flips out. Apparently someone left a brown present in her shoes.
The online application for Mcdonald's said I could do incredible things there. Today I threw out shit filled underwear in the women's restroom and escorted a very drunk/high 42 year old man outside after he ordered a 5 dollar foot long and a bloody mary.
I think "banned from Amtrak due to excessive projectile vomiting" would sum up the evening quite nicely.
There is soup leaking out of my nose nothing in life has prepared me for this moment
If you value my life, if you value your own, please look for that godforsaken cookie. Please.
I should probably go to bed before I start to care about why I started drinking in the first place.
I'm pretty sure I swallowed a whole condom
Does taking an old homeless guy to the strip club, buying him lap dances, and calling him pops all night count as a good deed???
Body paints and jello. Your canvas awaits
Another sexterpiece awaits
So again no comment on the cleavage. I'm a bit disappointed. If those girls come together to make cleavage AND I send you a pic of it, you have to comment on it. That's like relationship 101.
Do you remember when you first moved into my parents house with me and we came home to find that my dad bolted the headboard to the wall
I just need a fucking pair of pants. Is that too much to ask for?
I brought those bastards cookies so they can deal with my sex noise, fuck them and their roommate asses
Got pulled over today for going 90 in a 40 zone with my leg out of the window. Still got out of the ticket. I'm getting way too good at this. Wanna trade bodies so we can see if it's my boobs or my charm?
I gave your mom a discount on her coffee, its my way to say thanks for having a son that makes me come every time
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