i just turned barefoot contessa into a drinking game. everytime she uses a knife butter or salt i drink.
Just saw an old lady trip and stumble. Laughed. Kept Driving. I'm going to hell.
Why do all fat girls have "that smell"?
Check that he is NOT ok. He just heated up SoCo and used it as syrup on his pancakes.
TOMORROW NIGHT CAN I HOLD YOU LIKE A BABY
Yeah? Well I'm currently predrinking downstairs in my room by myself. Absolut and water with a hint of mint because I'm using the glass I keep my toothbrush in. Fuck, you bitches better get off work soon.
If I interpreted our horoscopes correctly...you should be coming home with an 8 ball. Just saying.
He woke up in a dragon costume, covered in bong water. That was a party we will regret missing.
I saw a groundgog last night outside my back door. I now have a new wedding gift idea.
I wanna be like, dude, I peed your bed. Like you laid in my pee. And we're not dating. You can find another fuck buddy who I'm sure won't piss on you.
We fucked while The Odyssey played in the background. Homer would be proud.
So I'm hiding in my bathroom smoking bowls because my landlords kids came over to visit my dog... My life has reached a new low
So help me God.... if he sends me a dick pic.... I will make it so he has to eat food through a tube in his nose and poop into a bag by his belly button
All I’ve had today is sex and water. I think it’s time for tacos.
You kept saying “keke” over and over so I slapped you then you proceeded to ask if I loved you. In case you’re wondering why you have a black eye - Lauren
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