I mean, you're like my second best best friend we're so close I can't believe you'd do that to me
i woke up to see him pissing on your n64. thats like killing a unicorn. punishable by death for sure.
I'm in a subway station watching a tranny do her makeup. This is like watching a unicorn giving birth.
She was so happy she found her sunglasses, that she blew me. Im now randomly hiding things of hers in hopes she'll find them and I'll get a repeat performance.
Bagel with cream cheese. It's blowing my fucking mind.
How high are you right now..
I MICROWAVED IT. SIGNIFICANT IMPROVEMENT.
I hid my booze in my old Sesame Street lunch box. Big Bird might be disappointed, but I feel Oscar the Grouch would approve.
When I find myself drinking from a boot I just go with it and refuse to ask why.
DUDE, DID YOU KNOW YOU CAN JUST RENT AN ELEPHANT???
Oh God.
I may or may not have pissed on my floor last night
Welcome to 22
I asked her if she could eat some Doritos so when we made out it would taste awesome
A penis isn't a time share. I want to own not rent.
He bedazzled a shirt for me that said "best head giver" should I be thankful for the gift or concerned that he has a bedazzler?
im bringing home some absinth and some holy water. one way or another things are going to get spiritual.
I hate when my Bumble matches make it hard for me to stalk them.
Woke up with a girls naked next to me I had her thong on somehow.
Randomize
