He just randomly started talking about Haiti and Conan O'Brien and his grandpa's hip replacement operation. It was the worst phone sex I've ever had.
the realtor just took us to a house I had a one night stand in. I feel like it's a sign.
the night got glorious when you tried to do an upside down keg stand with a near empty key and dropped it on your face
July 5th AKA Day of regret AKA picnicing in a laundromat. Someone puked allover the comforter. Liffe of champions.
I got drunken sympathy for the whales' plight last night and signed up to give $50 monthly to Greenpeace. Calling to cancel was worse than the hangover.
Hear that? That's the wail of a dying whale. Murderer.
My life is sponsored by tidy cat kitty litter, Bacardi rum, and plan b.
.As long as you're some how patriotic with your sexual escapades, I can support it.
He fell backwards into a full bathtub but didn't spill a single drop of the beer in his hand. What a pro.
My tights ended up on the driveway folded neatly. Any ideas how that happened?
I think I used my NERF gun during sexual roleplay. Need to re-evaluate my life choices.
also, sleeping with your chipotle guy sounds like a good idea until you want chipotle on your day off and have to look somewhat presentable to acquire said chipotle.
Oh and .... you'll love this: my life coach says you writing my online dating profile isn't a horrible idea.
You kept hiding under tables and grabbing people's legs and shouting SHARK ATTACK.
I put him in the supply closet, used the copy paper to build a fort around him and his wheelchair, then he fucked me in the fort.
My nipples are YOUNG and they need TWISTING
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