I drunkenly recorded an episode of Family Matters last night. I took a shot everytime Carl Winslow had a mustache.
I made an oral joke and he laughed... That's when I realized I wasn't Daddy's Little Girl anymore.
You were spitting chewed up pretzle into my hands telling me to hold it for you.
just woke up on my balcony. who won the super bowl?
Did we fight the bathroom girl ? She just wanted to give us lotion and condoms.
Just caused a nice traffic jam while trying to park at Costco. Too high to drive.
I feel like everything I touch in this bar I'm gonna get hepatitis. my kinda joint
She just landed. Popped over for a BJ and left. I'm a fan of layover layovers.
There's always one sober annoying person at a party. I hate responsible people. I just wanted to show everyone my nipples. There cute. She didn't have to stop me
Chasing shots with sriracha-covered mini toast was, in retrospect, not the best idea.
So, since you're now a four night stand, I feel comfortable asking: Did I leave my sunglasses at your house? Or my underwear?
They're having lesbian sex while I play super mario world. I hope they like the music
He sent me a snap of him eating a tamale shirtless. I think I might be in love.
LOCK HIM DOWN.
Cause I know you wanna ride the D like a Vespa in ROMAN HOLIDAY
It seems that I didn’t convey clearly enough how well and truly fucked we are, Jack. Listen to me very closely: we are DEAD.
Randomize
