he quoted cool runnings while we were having sex: feel the rythm,feel the rhyme, get on up, its bobsled time
There's a sucker born every minute but swallowers are harder to find.
So glad I found your sister.
Dude. The walls are totally staring at me right now. I told you this was a bad idea.
Was waiting for the adderal to kick in then realized I had been brushing my teeth for eighteen minuites
My ex best friend's ex fuck buddy is visiting. There was no other option but day drinking.
We had to leave the bar because you were trying to show the bartender your boobs for water.
There's puke on my pillow. I'm still wearing my wedges. And I have a cab drivers number clutched in my fist.
Remember that time you bought snap bracelets on Amazon and they sent you 300 pregnancy tests instead? Amazon knows.
I think he's speaking German to me now
Nevermind, he's just drunk and not texting properly
A homeless guy wouldnt accept my granola bar because he didnt have any teeth. I think i win the prize for the ultimate rejection
I was unconscious Saturday for like 6 hours after I passed out on the sidewalks of our nation's capital. Thank you America, for bottomless brunch.
I want my birthday to be like the hunger games where all the contenders for my vaj have to fight each other off to win the prize
Can I have the second place winner?
Nope. Turns put my desperate group message for sex didn't work out.
Well you sent it to two guys who were roommates.
They could have rock paper scissored for it. My vagina = the prize.
Paycheck hits in 37 minutes and I literally just emptied my handle of Tito's. If that isn't budgeting like a fucking adult, I don't know what is.
decided to jump from one of the levels of the Westin chicago Nortghwest. it was worth the broken legs.
Randomize
