On valentines day I took a girl on a date that I suspect was homeless
Just threw up my room service breakfast with my fake eyelashes and pearls still on.
it feels good to walk into a CVS and not go straight to the pharmacy counter for plan b. its been a while....
He couldn't say anything coherently but shot off a perfectly timed "that's what she said" when michelle said he'd have to ride in the trunk because she didn't have enough room up front.
I think showering with 5 people and a half gallon of vodka was one of the best decisions we have ever made.
Malt liquor mondays...better in theory.
I am significantly less than sober now. Gonna make like, ten hotdogs.
Well would you like to come over anyway? I will be wearing sweatpants and disappointment. Also, I have Jack Daniels and I've managed to get drunk in under half an hour. But my boobs look awesome.
I happen to have lost a black t-shirt and the volume button from my phone last night. If anyone finds it. You know what to do.
You are the funniest drunk Jew I know. Never in my life have I witnessed someone respond, "Is your dick kosher?" while being picked-up on.
Xanax and cookies, it's good to be home
Oh I fucked him, definitely. We played Strip Halo.
I was on antibiotics for a bladder infection and couldn't drink and you told me there was no longer room in your life for me.
Would it be weird if i sent him a "happy fuckiversary" text?
I'm thankful I didn't get drunk and shit my pants this year. 🦃
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