He finally told me that he's married. I guess it doesn't really matter.
i just realized how high i was when i was screaming red light challenge at the top of my lungs and am watching it alone
Sometimes I think my vagina thinks its a penis.
i like that you affectionately refer to him as "creepy" ever time you talk about him
I like one night stands...theyre like crushes for big kids
I'm really tired of cleaning up my twitter the morning after
I still think it's messed up that you're naming your kids after all the guys you slept with in college
He took the bartender's challenge and took a Jello shot with a tarantula frozen inside.
Nothing says I've got my life together like vomiting on the groom and passing out at your youngests sisters wedding
She just texted me apologizing for taking selfies on my phone then asked me to send them to her
Also I want everyone to be drunk at my funeral. Instead of wearing black just blackout. That way everyone can celebrate how fun I was
I swear if you get so drunk that I have to sing Bohemian Rhapsody to you again to get you to come out of the bathroom I'm leaving you at the bar this time.
I feel as though I look like a mom with a substance abuse problem
But really, someone with a penis give me attention before I start posting nudes on Instagram.
I realize my mistake but don't you dare school me in cock, young man
Randomize
