Yea i traded my bed for half a bag of jimmy johns jalepno chips, am I proud of it no, Am I happy I did it? yes
You scratched my dick last night. It deserves an apology and I fell that actions speak louder than words when it comes to apologies like this.
He tried to stick it in and I asked him what he wanted to name our child and he quit.
I don't care if shes your sisters age. Once someone is on my to do list theres only one way to get them off it
I'm thinking he has to buy me dinner at least twice before i even start considering casting him for "Fuck buddy - understudy."
I went limp when I heard her mom fart from her parents bedroom. It lasted longer than my hard on.
Our relationship needs a sober moment
I'll call you when that happens
Not great. "Leave the toilet seat down, it gives me somewhere to rest my face."
Sometimes you have a glimmer of a heart and then I immediately remember you are dead inside.
Yes, bail money means jail. It also means lie to dad, do it now.
You ran into the tattoo shop screaming PIERCE MY TITIES
Hey man, when I left for work she was laying on the couch naked cuddling your keurig, can you clean that mess up?
Well I just saw a fully naked man doing a headstand in a cooler of ice water.
Found out the cop gives spectacular head. Don't ask. We're going out to dinner Saturday.
highlight of my day: hitchhiking a ride with random locals. tried to make conversation, asked what they do. driver says "you clearly don't recognize me." turns out i have had sex with him and forgot.
You are officially qualified to graduate from college.
Randomize
