I think tequila should come with a little jiminy cricket
I just got fire extinguished by his roommate while we were having sex. That's just taking cock blocking to a whole new level.
What's the point of being healthy if people still don't want to fuck you?
Wanna go watch Transformers and scream "AMERICA!"? I need a no thought activity
He sent me an email apologizing for sleeping with her...and by that I mean he sent a picture of his dick to my school e-mail
I think I fixed my testicle. That's why I didnt pay $25 for a doctor to do it
He just told an 8 year old to go fuck himself so we probably won't be in the butterfly exhibit much longer.
You coulda licked the floor this morning and got drunk.
I offered to lick your vagina while wearing a suit... Pretty sure chivalry is well alive.
Also, I have your check. Also, still wanna drop acid?
The fact I have to evaluate my choice between tequila and fruity pebbles is a clear image of my life right now
The cat was building a spaceship out of the carpet, my legs were cans of tomato sauce, and there was something else in that pot you gave me.
We’re leaving where are you
Hold on Toxic just started playing
I don't know why this person would ask for help. It sounds pretty OK to me. Also, I'd steal those bagpipes.
Can I borrow your pants?
WTH?
Just come to the men’s room and help me. The blonde bartender figured out I’m married. Rachel will definitely notice if come home pantsless
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