This is the worst date ever. Pls kill me. No, wait, scratch that, stick to the original plan of killing Paris Hilton, I'll live though this
he called me "his little blueberry cunt muffin"...how would that make you feel?
dude my grandmas the shit. she has a sixth grade education and got hit by a car when she was 18. she cant smell.
just met our mailman at a party, he asked me out. i said yes, but only if he picks me up in the mail truck. how jealous are you
Revelation of the day. Bulimia is dumb. Anorexia is easier.
You suck.
I'm not sure if doing him was such a good idea. Yes the sex was good, but I'm scared I set myself up for failure in 2011 because he's the hottest guy. Ever.
there is a dude in the bar with no arms getting fed beers by his friends
If you try to operate on me with a Bic pen and vodka, I'm never talking to you again
I'm going to try to be reasonable tonight and keep my drink count out of double digits
Hes drunk and dancing naked. I can hear his dick smacking his legs from the next room.
Last night was a "wash hands with dog shampoo" kind of night
Is using cherry lube as jam shameful or hilarious
I am 95% sure I just heard my cat say "What are you doing home? It's Saturday night."
well, unfortunately the rug burn lasted longer than the actual relationship
I’m literally watching say yes to the dress, eating fancy cheeses with crackers, and I have orange dark chocolates. All of which is being washed down with merlot. And I’m 100% sure a porno is gonna go down next door tonight. They don’t have a car and arrived via taxi. Happy holidays from motel 6 Pendleton Oregon!
Randomize
