In similar news, my cock is bigger than the plane that landed in the hudson.
I just sneezed everywhere.....everywhere. Now no one will talk to me.
I can only speak casual parseltoungue, im not bad though. just the general, "wheres the bathroom?" "open the chamber of secrets" that type of stuff
..now you can marry chaz and be in cher's family..
yeah n i dont have to pretend to be into chicks to do it now...
after last night, i judge her for not breaking up with me
I'm at the laundry mat. This guy is here showing me his ankle monitor. The weird ones always find me.
Whoever had sex in my bed during the party last night left a glow in the dark condom on my floor. I'm not even mad anymore, I just want to know who it is so they can tell me where to get one.
The Ukrainian kid just told me that our econ professor wants to bone me. Please tell me that phrase means something different in Eastern Europe.
A burger king employee called me from your phone while you were on their bathroom floorl. Hope ur not in jail....4 realz
Just been one of those weeks where alcohol out weighs friendship
We will have to go big on the 4th! Nothing says independence like the impending doom of an ankle monitor
ur mom makes the best bacon
WHAT ARE YOU DOING IN MY HOUSE
I accidentally walked in the wrong house but I somehow left with a chicken leg. Good fucking night.
Idk if I deserve a medal or a one way ticket to hell
i am currently wearing a bowl of frosting on my head. i do not regret any of my life choices leading to this moment
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