i can't believe you bought a jetta. you know that's a girl car, right? if i hadn't had sex with you, i'd have no other proof you're straight.
When you went through airport security you asked if the could check if a baby was in there. That drunk.
Hands down the most disgusting picture message ever received. Thank you.
im here for your entertainment
This is a test of Andrews drunk texting, had this been an actual drunk text, all the words would be spelled incorrectly and would be missing key verbs and nouns, followed by a request to not get fired.
remember our old mantra: why can't life be as easy as we are?
You're welcome to join, but just to warn you, tequila makes my clothes disappear. And I'm telling you that as an adult to an adult, not as your supervising teacher who decides whether or not you graduate.
Eating nacho cheese off the carpet. How is your morning?
I love birth control. How's that for a Facebook status on valentines day.
Our group of friends now have more broken bones than reasonable excuses for why they're broken.
YOU MAKE ANAL SEX SOUND LIKE A SPORTING EVENT
Sounds good. I'm hoping to have my life together by next week but you never know I guess.
So you're mad that I let you go home with the guy with soft hands but yet you can't understand that I was just trying to help you
Pregnancy has ruined porn for me. I can't watch a hot chick get it on without being jealous of her perfectly waxed shit. I can't even see my shit.
Honestly my life is shambles over a married man who looked like a fuckin NERD ON HIS WEDDING DAY
I am the oldest one here and I STILL feel like I need an adult. help.
Randomize
