Glitter + Penis = Best. Idea. Ever.
I'm not an expert but calling her the "hot lesbian" isn't going to coerce her into a 3some with you
I have an odd instinct I wont find my underwear tonight
I just feel like I should give it a rest. I'm too old to be drinking bottles of grey goose and falling into koi ponds.
captain&coke to the library. STAT. this is an emergency. this is not a drill. I repeat: THIS IS NOT A DRILL.
why is there a fishing net hanging from my ceiling fan?
Gina was bawling her eyes out and then she ran into the street and peed. she kept screaming "LOOK WHAT YOUVE DONE TO ME"
We'll find out our level of friendship after tonight. You'll be helping me move a body. My body.
It's like the blind leading the senile over here.
UPDATE: shit just got real- grandma is threatening to beat grandpa with a wooden spoon covered in chili.
Drinking Fireball means never having to say you're sorry. Unless its at you're arraignment.
Yelling at the starbucks lady to write Beyoncé on my cup
Did you leave a mouse under my pillow again?
Your heart isn't making stupid decisions... your penis is outsmarting your brain. Stop fucking her!
You need to go! It’s a midwestern wedding - the single girls out there think life ends at 25 if they don’t have a picket fence and family. That’s when your penis introduces himself
I'm a peeled potato compared to her. I'm a peeled potato compared to anyone. I'm a peeled potato.
Are you high?
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