Everyone knows that the fastest route to a corporate advancement is to take a shot in the mouth
I walked up to a girl in a bar, and all I was capable of doing was taking my beer and bumping it up to hers. While doing so, all I could say was "Bud Light". She walked away.
She loves me even though she knows all Ive done. Shes kind of like jesus.
He called my vagina a rainforest. This is coming from a guy whose pubes are longer than his dick.
I guess I was trying to make a cheese sandwich, I had to change my sheets cuz I slept on it and the cheese melted all over me, Dave, and my bed
Hey, you can't rush the perfect creeper shot. I need buffer time to hone my skills.
That's not as bad as watching a dumb ass drunk peeing into your window fan -
All of the hungover. I've changed not showered but can't quite make it to the booze.
WE'RE IN THE RED ZONE PLAY THRU THE PAIN
This is ridiculous. I’m in fucking college getting high off a potato.
I finished masturbating now I'm eating french toast crunch. What is life, and what are friends.
The Vicodin is in the strawberries.
It was a recodring of you having sex ! It was like an ape and a dying mongoose at a buffet Xoxoxo
i woke up in just my thong, face first on my bed with all the lights on. how hungover do you think i felt?
I hate being on my period . Did you know that by the time I'm 30 I would've wasted 1,176 days of my life I could've had sex but couldn't bc I was on my period.
We all just got ice cream, condoms, and toilet paper now were gonna go home and watch movies as a family.
Condoms?
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