I just hope my dad was drunk enough to not remember the whole convo we had about anal.
Midnight walks are trippy
I tried to do that earlier, but I was alone and scared, so I stole a happy Birthday balloon.
RAWRRRR IMA PURPLE DINO
dude i'm sitting right next to you.. stop texting me
if someoen knew that someone accidentally drunkly kissed your boyfriend would you want them to tell you/?
followup question: what if both somones were me?
i'm sorry i gave your brother a handjob while you were on the blanket next to us, but to be fair your back was turned.
I am in macy's and just straight up heard an old lady taking a crap in her depends.
Exactly. Some of us want to get married. And some of us want to wear sombreros and do cocaine. To each their own.
I don't understand how 5 bottles of booze became normal or acceptable per 2.5 people
Just had a 40 min argument about how many celebrity guest appearances on Sesame Street were court ordered for DUIs.
What i love about my dog is i can lay in bed and masturbate with him at the foot, and he just leaves me alone.
Whoever put the life size cut out of Snoop Dog next to me in bed understands me.
I can't find my keys and there's a hotdog in my purse.
Last night he told me I was never sexier than when I was cutting pizza. Seriously. Like, he's perfect.
We walking to the game and some random guy came up to to me and yelled "hey you're the whiskey guy!" And then high fived me then walked away
You wouldnt listen to us when we told you there was no place that was selling girlscout cookies at 4:30am...
Randomize
