what is it about summer that misdirects my moral compass so much?
so i was trying to be sexy and unzip his pants with my teeth. i got my lip caught in the zipper and it bled for a good 15 min, totally a mood killer.
I'm gonna need you to NOT let me play duck duck goose with three racoons in the middle of the street next time.
You are so lucky that drugs are going to kill you before I do.
I don't know where I am and I feel like a hippo shat in my mouth. This sofa is comfy though.
I don't care how stoned you are, I'm not driving to a different state for a burrito
I woke up to a 3rd person picture of my own dick sent from a 1-800 number..
The claw marks on my back are healing nicely. Just thought you should know.
My bad. Next time I'll wear mittens.
I feel like passing out with my foot on your face has bonded us at a very fundamental level.
Hi I am too sober and out of rum. Translation: I owe you some beer. Also, get better taste in beer.
Pretty good. They took the stitches out but it still hurts like a bitch. The doctor says I should be off crutches by next week.
Well, that's good. Let's hope drunk you doesn't sabotage you.
I'm batshit crazy. I don't know how you guys keep forgetting that
I shoulda been born a dude. There's too much power in a vagina.
Guy in my class today said, "I'm pretty sure you think about beer 95% of the time."
TSA doesn’t allow handcuffs in carryon bags. Super fun they confiscated them in front of my boss and coworker.
Randomize
