he just watched a baby story on tlc while high and just called me screaming he never wants me to get pregnant
then he said we can't have sex anymore because ill hate him.
My vagina smells like strawberry tangerine twist.
...she just doesn't genetically have the things I want my kids to have.
Dude, this chick, who is smokin by the way, has 4 false teeth on top from a softball accident that she can take out if she wants... Who's getting amazing head tonight? This guy!
I don't know whether to be creeped out by the fact this chick can do that, or jealous because you're getting toothless head.
You're going to the beach with me so we can have beach sex whether you like it or not. Get over it. Kthx.
they wouldn't let me take the pitcher of beer on the ferris wheel
Let's just say my vagina is not superimpressed with the superintendent of schools.
You just squeezed a person out of you and I'm drunks at 2PM. Our lives got traded and you know it and you're jealous.
My new year's resolution was to squirt this year. I only have four months left. Help.
I wish him all the best and hope one day he can afford the surgery to remove his head from his ass
When I tell my children how I survived hurricane Sandy I'll probably leave out the threesome
Is it weird that I Facebook creep hot people from their credit card receipts?
Being single for so long makes me fucking creepy.
Chipotle. Because when you've had diarrhea for 6 days why not just make it 7
Dude true life I died at the derby...I lost everyone I knew, went down a bourbon and mud slip and slide, lost my hat, fell off the roof of a porta potty, sprained my ankle and knee and then got arrested.
I will show up on your front porch in a wet t shirt and some mac and cheese
Randomize
