college drinking is stealing all my money, thank god planned parenthood is somewhat free
so i told him i still liked him. he laughed
well, your crazy. what did you expect?
I think my penis got bigger when i lost weight
My financial advisor pointed out that 37% of my income is currently going towards "non-essential food items"
That's banker lingo for "you're an alcoholic"
I understand that I gave you a nose bleed with a cheeto last night and for that I apologize
You are number one in my heart. But in the dick Olympics you're disqualified.
she said she walked into the kitchen and i was sitting ass naked on the floor chugging her parents vodka.
Dude just texted me asking if I could drive 45 mins for a quickie dude use your hand
I woke up on a navy base in a different time zone. I'm never leaving tallahassee again.
Ohh I see how it works, eat pussy and I get Reese's pieces.
Someone the age of your son tried to go home with me from the bar last night
I woke up with broken tostitos all over my bed and a snap chat of myself flipping off the camera.
I'm actually kind of scared about the prospect of us living together. We're just going to eat pizza and drink wine before retiring to our rooms with vibrators
Nothing has ever been more true. Ever.
Her blow jobs are legen wait for it seriously like 9 people I know brag about them dary
Apparently i tried to feed this guy's piranhas my whole left arm.. according to him, i was "showing them whos boss, bc if they try to eat my arm, im guna punch their face"
Randomize
