I can't get in trouble, i'm smoking a bong in the office right now
Guys who wear capris make me want to kill endangered species.
I can't believe you blew on her face.
I feel that every long term relationship needs at least one big,load delivered straight between the eyes.
Just had to explain to the nurse WHERE I have poison ivy. Great Day
it's not like i was drunk to the point of NEEDING help...i just wanted someone to offer to hold my hair or something.
My bed is full of blood and feathers
The cab driver was nice enough to let you finish your beer in the car, but you crossed the line when you started to pee in the empty bottle
I just got head while watching air force one. Harrison ford would be proud.
Still not sure if my open-bar-week-long-trip to Cuba is the best idea as a congratulations-for-my-sober-february-challenge. My liver might just explode and give up.
actually there are like 49038098 people in the bathroom for no reason. Singing My Heart Will Go On and pseudo fighting.
My goal in life is to ruin sex for someone. To be so mindblowingly unreal that they can never find anyone like me ever again. So far it's going well.
I think it's time to give up this life and become vikings. You in?
Got my period and a UTI on the same day. Fuck you, Sunday.
not only did I call my ex crying but drunk me also deleted the phone log so I had no warning when I saw him in class
There were a lot of gay moments in between the Strippers and coke
Randomize
