Funny, I didnt know that facebook statuses were for crappy song lyrics
Sacagawea was the original milf.
mimosa in my stainless steel water bottle. going green is not that bad.
Walk of Shame time yet?
Dude she's 6"2, blonde and on the cheerleading team. I look like Seth Rogen's fatter, unfunny brother. What shame am I supposed to be feeling?
Just found out for my occult lit class (history of cults) final project is making a spellbook. Hello last term of college.
Just paid my credit card bill at the bar. This phone makes it so I never have to leave
Please delete that video of me blowing you. I will repay you with 100 blowjobs even better than the one I gave you during that video. Please. I am gonna be a grandma one day.
I love you more than champagne and correct grammar
Vodka?
Forever.
well i mean she can't stop a weed based friendship...its like a trying to stop a bomb or a really fast train...
I'm still confused. So he's NOT your cousin by blood, but WAS your cousin, on two separate occasions, by marriage? Still too weird I think...
I just found your ripped underwear on my chandelier. Care to explain?
Look, if this is a cop, just lemme know that Mike is ok. Fuckin all star game
I woke up and found my apartment really clean, appearantly drunk me couldn't tolerate living there anymore and left sober me a lot of insulting post-its...
Was I just dreaming, or was there a corpse at work last night?
She was just sleeping.
Is it bad that I'm kind of disappointed by that?
Randomize
