I walked in on my roommate finishing watching something on his computer. There was cum all over his screen. He awkwardly said hi and pulled up his pants.
Do you know how easy it would be to shoplift if I was a magician?!
I'd say this is worse than that time when I realized that my favorite bath toy growing up was my Mom's douche bottle.
New plan: we get a little bit drunk and go to 24 hour fitness and be eachothers wing people so we can hit on in shape hot people at a gym instead of drunk idiots at a bar.
as he left, i held up my fist and said "pound it out" and he was like "are you serious, we just had sex..."
Is there a word for someone who only has sex with NFL prospects?
This year i'm grateful for nothing other than the discovery that the uncircumcized rumors about him were wrong
Swear to god our friendship has its limits. Stop peeing on the fucking refrigerator.
Because it was 5am and I had a shitty mixed drink and I was threatening to put my balls in your face.
Not the worst first impression I've experienced.
I just had the best counseling appointment lets fucking rage
we broke the bed, curtan rods, a dresser drawer, and unless I didn't notice it before, we put a hole in the wall. This is why he and I have to fuck in motels.
I hate being the only medical professional in the group. I always end up patching you guys or being the DD when I'm on call. I have problems I need to drown in booze too...
I woke up this morning with 3 phone numbers, a red Chinese New Year envelope with cash in it, and a winning scratcher all stuffed in my bra. I'd say it was a pretty successful Thursday night.
I know how vodka works Grace. I'm drunk, not stupid.
So why exactly are your shoes in my freezer?
Randomize
