I just ate a cockroach and I want to be a fire truck.
sometimes i shoot so far i amaze even myself.
I don't think cute and don't forget to get tested belong in the same text
you know how they say when you die, your whole life flashed before you? well do you get to see what happened all the nights you blacked out?
"Shots" has been nominated for a grammy. Now all of the US has sunken to our level...
This girl just introduced herself as Queefer Sutherland. She's on a roller derby team. What. The. Fuck.
was just hit on by a homeless lesbian. forever alone.
I'm pretty sure he told me he was sterile and I told him I was on the pill. The positive pregnancy test I'm holding in my hand right now tells me that at least one of us was lying.
Chuck job is nothing more than to be my dick stand when I'm too drunk to hold it while pissing
BOOTY CALL IN EFFECT, BOOTY CALL IN PROCESS, BOOTY CALL ACCEPTED, AND BOOTY CALL INITIATES FRIDAY NIGHT.
So my roommate and I have a written agreement stating that if he tries to sleep with his ex girlfriend, I have to immediately intervene and nut punch him then send her on her way.
this is the most serious roommate agreement ever
I tried to smoke out of half a banana, and lit my nose hair on fire. So I feel like that sums up my life pretty well.
I just saw a girl drinking wine and walking her dog in footie pajamas and a mad hatter hat. First day of the new year and I think I'm in love.
I feel like you should put up a missed connections ad for this..
The bouncers found you passed out on the toilet. They tried to move you but you refused and repeatedly shouted that you wanted to go out like Elvis.
Yeah. 11 people shoved in a clown car for a 1 hour party. I'm too old for house parties.
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