4:33 am: Sleep on left side of my bed. T-shirts are second drawer on left side, boxers top right. I don't wake up when lights are on so feel free in my room..
i just fingered the ice cream at home instead of getting a spoon
been there done that
I just had to explain to the pharmacy cashier that the Plan B and thank you notes I was buying were not related.
If I had known I was gonna take my tights off and throw them over the balcony I would have shaved my legs.
I woke up to you in just boxers at my door at 7a.m. with you saying how many squrriels you counted on the walk back, then you made me penis shaped pancakes
I just had a heart to heart with a stripper I'm becoming a dentist.
Just watched a drug bust from the Ralphs parking lot while listening to Frank Sinatra. Happy Valentine's Day.
you dipped you banana in queso last night.
you should have walked with me to my car. you just missed a girl rip off her bra and throw it into a dumpster and scream mardi gras
You think you're smart. You're pretending to be asleep to save yourself from my hormonal pms mood swings. Unfortunately that only works against bears.
They were arguing about who would hit the piñata first so naturally you tore it open with your hands. You broke the piñata and their hearts.
if you're not jumping for joy when you see penis then you're looking at the wrong ones.
Puked in the trash can. Took a bite of someone's breadstick and kept dancing and drinking
You had sex with a Scottish dude with a peg leg....how could I NOT tell that story??
We found you with your penis in the vacum hose crying softly...
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