legit been throwing up since 7am. told my parents the two bowls of puke in my dorm were soup
dont touch anything in my room. If its phallus shaped, i can almost guarantee its been in my vagina.
I love how understanding people are when they hear we first hooked up getting high and watching nature shows
Condom broke. Took her to CVS for plan B and parked in expectant mothers spot. I laughed.. she cried
But I thought everyone had breakup sex?
I have a beer in one hand and a slim fast in another. It's another one of those wednesday nights.
I think I dropped my cock ring in your back yard
She came over and gave me a handy and then just lingered for a day and a half. Worst weekend ever.
im sober
you just pulled your sweatpants out of your bag and thanked them for being alive
Two dudes. Loud music. Dancing shirtless possibly naked. Why would I ever need cable?!
as he was fingering me, all I was thinking about was how lucky his girlfriend is...
He was too drunk, and my mother and I ended up babysitting him. He told her I have amazing mouth skills, and that I love the "chorizo" he feeds me. All she said was "And on the list of 30 things you never want to hear about your daughter..." while gripping the steering wheel.Please just fucking kill me now.
I'd risk everything I own for 10 min naked with her, 2 would be sex and the rest me crying like a little girl.
My manager gave me an envelope with money in it before he had vacation, and when I asked what it was for, he said it will be his bail money.
Get over your kidney infection all ready. You have been sober for too long.
Randomize
