I knew I had to get an abortion when his toddler sister came up to hug my leg and I kicked her off saying, "Get off, fucker."
I though she ruined it by crying, then I realized it wasn’t a tear, it was my great aim. It turned out to be beautiful.
I gambled and lost. Had to pull into a funeral home to clean up with a copy of my resume.
She said she's saving anal for marriage cuz she has to save something for her husband...seriously just caught myself lookin at rings.
WHATEVER CLASS IS PLAYING "TOOT IT AND BOOT IT" AT 8:30 IN THE MORNING, I WANT IN.
The cabbie told us to at least pretend we weren't doing coke while he was driving
he told me he didn't know whether he was gonna puke, pass out, or cum. i don't know if i should be flattered or offended.
Will you judge me if i do shots in my basement closet first? No? Okay good
I want to throw pennies on her stage, or just ripping up a dollor bill and throw them one at a time.
Also the McRib is back. Lets get high, dress like cowboys, and eat some McRibs.
He crawled outside into the bushes to throw up. He's just laying there now but he says he'll be ready to come home if we just give him five
There was a trampoline and tequila. It was glorious.
You're never the same once you're dry humped on the frat house floor
Officially not baby mama #3. Celebration is in order.
Just shaved my balls on a moving train. By far the most dangerous stunt I've ever pulled
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