So i just found out i replied to my room mates craigslist ad. Akward
Hungover like ... in bed with the Brita pitcher and a straw, only opening one eye at a time.
It's a gateway drink.... Starts with wine... Then I wake up in my car with mascara on my arms covered in french fries...
She was mad I came so fast. I was like, It's the Olympics! Fastest time wins! We can train you in the offseason.
I FINALLY HAVE A REASON TO DYE MY PUBES BLUE!!!
Whiskey??
It will be at least another 6 weeks before I say yes again. I'm bruised. I stole sex cards and a really nice pocket knife. I acquired a vial of my own blood. Talk about a yard sale...
The fact that he said "there's nothing wrong with being a raging drunk, just ask my mother." has me thinking that I have no positive role-models among my friends.
And. I know i am a gay man cause when i saw the pic of his cock his feet were in it and i am like what the fuck?
I owe a guy a shoe because I threw it over a fence. That is all.
Why do I even exist?
I just want you to know that I am dancing around my apartment by myself singing Taylor Swift into a wine bottle. Do hurry.
I like to feed my guinea pigs before I get stoned. In case they get contact high and get the munchies. It's only polite.
Me too, I feel like I pinched your nipples excessively. At the time it seemed like a good idea, but in retrospect I'm not so sure.
You yelled "NICE PAJAMAS" at a construction worker wearing a reflective jumpsuit while we rode past on a bike taxi
So I sniffed too hard this morning before work and I THINK THE COCAINE JUST STARTED ROUND 2.
I think I may have gotten way too used to using my boobs as an extra hand/pocket...almost stabbed myself in the chin bc I forgot I put my fork there
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