Solid performance last night. Wanna be fuck buddies?
Reason #3 women are better than men: texting and peeing simultaneously. Write THAT in the fucking snow.
Wow, nothing is more special than changing the channel and seeing the guy who groped you on Saturday night...
I was convinced to buy a man thong.
But it's Armani so it's okay.
God I just out gayed myself.
A group of drunk Marines just serenaded me, never leaving this place
What did he say?
NOTHING. GODDAMN HIM AND HIS MAGICAL PENIS!
I went to the strip club tonight. I had never gone, and in a panic I gave the dancer giving me a lap dance a handshake and introduced myself. Redefines business casual.
Look, I've got a really big car. We just need to put ourselves in it and put some body parts in other body parts.
I force fed him french fries and then proceeded to tell him how sexy corgi’s are … it’s safe to say he’s not texting me for a second date.
It's wednesday. OF COURSE HE'S DRUNK.
He paid for a 5 star hotel suite and I raided the mini bar after he left. I think that’s bad karma. Want some pringles?
Watching Colbert Report and porn at the same time.
You've reached your one pic per night limit. To increase your limit, start conversations before 9 and submit your request for an additional pic before 10.
there are LEGIT cum stains on my ceilling. ON THE CEILLING!! you tell me how the relationship was.
A massage should never include spaghetti sauce. shit was fucked up
Randomize
