And mexicans. My burrito likes you.
it was a mass text i'm sorry
do you usually send 'hey sexy' as a mass text?
hot ketchup is not a substitute for marinara
stop changing my ringtone to people fucking, it looks bad at work
There's always one sober annoying person at a party. I hate responsible people. I just wanted to show everyone my nipples. There cute. She didn't have to stop me
Last night we got home from the bar and saw a fox outside and we lured it in the house with a piece of cheese. Just wanted to party with some potentially dangerous wildlife I guess.
Just got a blowjob from a coed in exchange for saving her an iPhone 5 when I get them in stock. Sometimes it's awesome to be a Verizon employee.
Is it bad I'm drunk at orientation
You've been there for 12 hours, what are you supposed to be doing
Not be drunk
I don't need to know how horny your mother is, hun.
Btw, remind me to tell you about how I had to cancel my crazy wild sex plans with Will b/c my roommate came back from his trip after a day b/c Canada wouldn't let him in. Fucking cockblock.
Actually that's the whole story. You don't have to remind me.
I'd like to have a moment of silence for all the dicks she's broken off
Well, I was giving him a handy and I sighed in boredom. He heard. I had to fake moaning sounds after he asked if I sighed.
why does every cop we meet know your name?
Think he has a gf
Yea that shit doesn’t necessarily stop me
"Offered to eat Froot Loops out of my belly button" drunk. Thats how drunk.
Randomize
