You dirty dirty liar I like the way you twitter
I swear if I see one more guy in a v-neck and fedora I'm going to punch someone in the balls. This is philly, you're not supposed to look like Ryan Cabrera
How do I recover from singing "your body is a wonderland" on his voicemail?
please stop yelling "ITS NARNIAAAAAAAAA" out of our window at the lone person walking home in the snow
Aw c'mon. You have to see if the spinning penis rumor is true.
Do you know how hard it is to write about pediatric crohn's when we're trying to figure out the keg situation for graduation?
Bren left me with a lovely parting gift. Newfouund alcoholism. I'm on the kitchen floor, hugging a bottle of vodka. It's my only friend now.
Remember when I got my car stuck in my backyard?
I want to buy her liposuction. And a spot on What Not To Wear. And a face transplant.
Was behind a guy going 20 for 4 miles I'll be there as soon as the universe quits fucking me
We have six bottles of wine and we are at target buying baby oil to grease up the sleds with, just in case you're interested.
I have to date her we need a place to stay for tailgating
I found us a new booze connection and I'm writing college admissions essays. The future is bright.
I force fed him french fries and then proceeded to tell him how sexy corgi’s are … it’s safe to say he’s not texting me for a second date.
I showed up drunk and covered in glitter, smelling like stale booze and dirty stripper and my younger brother gave thanks his life wasn’t a shitshow like mine
That’s how my thanksgiving went
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