they're making a venn diagram comparing gummi bears against gummi worms...is this what i have to sit thru to get free weed????
They're making scrambled eggs at 2 in the morning... with rum
i was actually impressed that she managed to throw up underwater while scuba diving
tell me why there is a bowl of oatmeal from starbucks in my purse
Apparently blazed enough to think that the sizzling meatballs in the pan were calling your name...Ssssteeeeeve
Just remembered getting lost in a "shortcut" through yards and GPSing my way home last night
Just saw a homeless man taking a shower in someone's sprinkler system....
She was telling me which girls she thought I should fuck or not at the bar. Why can't all one night stands be that cool after?
She straight up told me, "I don't care if he films as long as he's quiet." You sure you can't find the camera?
We left the knife in your bed.
He let him chew on his fu man chew. The man has the patience of a saint
Every person I've ever had sex with is in Chipotle right now.
I had a sex with someone last night and I was so drunk. i told him to tell me his whole name so I can say it back to him in a "sexy" way.... Because I forgot it
Trying to stay sober at a family function but hiccuping so fucking loud. "Have you been drinking?" I hit on my cousin so yeah. I have been drinking.
Forget work, lets run away, rob banks, and have kinky sex with fuzzy handcuffs.
IT'S LIKE YOU READ MY MIND.
Randomize
