I made out with a fat chick last night in a hot tub... btw I am breaking up with you
So Jesus turned water into wine. So what? I once turned a whole student loan into natty light. Your move holy man.
Never let Scott cook bacon and eggs at 2am while drunk. You should have seen the flames.
sorry about calling you the devil all night.
Aaaand I cut your bangs with a large knife last night ...
I don't want to be with anyone who doesn't accept me for who I am. eating cheeseburgers in bed is my favorite activity.
Oh FYI, people asked how/why I met you and I didn't want to say "drunk at a party on an air mattress" so I made a story up. It was a very cute and charming story with no alcohol.
I asked the cop if I could see his dick- It's not like he could arrest me twice.
I just remember looking over and seeing you on top of him and us high fiving. That's when I knew we'd be perfect roommates
I got laid while wearing a shirt with a picture with my little brother deep throating a banana on it.
He peed off the roof and then we bonded it was beautiful
Today, my weed came in a pokéball. I officially love my dealer.
And as the acid sets in, he looks back at the shallow form he used to call his and whispers "3 pee pees strong"
I just want to eat chicken fingers and drink beer and smoke in bed with my laptop so I can watch Netflix
So your not doing THAT great with the break up then...
And tell your penis that we can hang out tonight for sure.
Randomize
