Cold hands, warm shart.
don't bother texting me at 10. my pants WILL be off and I'm not putting them back on to come see you.
friends don't let friends hook up with gingers.
This is the LAST time i'm accepting the excuse "tequila made me do it". Even tequila thinks buying all of nickelback's itunes singles is fucking retarded
once my pubes got caught on her snaggletooth it was all downhill from there
Is it wrong that im more embaressed about the karoke than the toplessness?
Holy shit. Do you realize what this means? Officially all of my ex-bfs are either dead or gay
This is the time you want your cat to have telepathy with you. To know if the guy downstairs left.
I need a Xanax. A Veggie Delight. And exhibition style sex.
You got in the cab and told the cab driver "we only have seven bucks so you better drive fucking fast".
Only you two could pull off a partner swap with honeymooners
Everything I own smells like cigarettes and victory right now. The smell is never coming out.
The fact that you walked around talking like Barbie and still got laid amazes me.
You went into my bathroom put on my bathrobe.. Said excuse me then went in my front yard and started yelling who ate my whopper..
She's dancing around licking a fork of nutella. She is not sober.
Randomize
