My goal for this summer is to make enough extra money to be able to afford the ticket for water skiing naked.
But on the up side she uprooted a whole peony plant from the hotel downtown and said, "I brought you flowers"
yeah, but the first step is admitting you have a problem, the next step is kidnapping him
Was that picture taken before or after I supposedly punched him in the face?
I'm wearing red that night.
Noted, what shade?
Whore.
Woke up today to the sound of church bells. My first thought was shit the apocalypse, but then I remembered my hook up lives next to a church. This might be a rough day.
All that fucking tequilla made my head feel like it's inside of a body builder's asshole. He's doing squats.
NOT EVEN KIDDING RIGHT NOW. THE GUY IN THE SPIDERMAN COSTUME JUST FELL OFF THE ROOF INTO A BABY POOL. GET HERE NOW!!
its not that I hate him, it's just that I wish his penis was attached to someone i like more
At 27 it's no longer called 'slutty', it's called having a healthy sex life...
No more morning sex. Just for once, my vagina would like to go to work bone-dry and bone-free.
He just kept mumbling that he was too drunk for society and then he peed in a bush
My bail money is reserved for people I either A, think were in the right, or B, have an awesome story that leads up to needing it. Just remember that before you call me.
I feel as though I look like a mom with a substance abuse problem
so I just realized.. of my 70k student loan debt, most of it went toward bar tabs, eightballs, and sweet-ass ties to wear to gamedays and other people's weddings. I think about shit like this while I'm at my mid-level management position. you know. "working."
Look upon your future, America, and despair.
Randomize
