If I had known I was gonna take my tights off and throw them over the balcony I would have shaved my legs.
I'm not saying going to the volleyball games drunk on Tuesday night was a bad idea I'm just saying we shouldn't make a routine of it.
She told me to stuff her like a turkey. She actually yelled happy thanksgiving.
I just sold some kid a bong I made out of a vuvuzela for $50. I think I found my career path.
My little brother just suggested we drink the rest of the vodka because it's raining. My job is complete.
Why can't I hire someone to teach me how to be a decent human being?
The cops raided her house the day before class even started
Those assholes are becoming so efficient
Will that be creepy to wake him up at midnight with my tongue all over his body??
Hungover, threw up in a cosmetic case in my car this morning. This is real life.
I wish more of my problems were easily solvable by taking a good long shit.
It's 5am and I have yet to fall asleep. At what point do we just accept that I run on vodka?
You're the third Mark I've fucked in that bed.
Yeah last night got weird fast. No lie, a kid pulled a butt-plug with a tail out of his ass.
I got all the way to work before I realized there were Trojans in my bra.
I don't know why this person would ask for help. It sounds pretty OK to me. Also, I'd steal those bagpipes.
Randomize
