Hi
Babe...You're really smothering me right now
The guy drove to our house at 6am to sell us weed. Now that's customer service.
i love that you felt the need to clarify that you don't actually have drugs in your vagina.
you two started sword fighting with 3 ft tall spruce trees you pulled out of planters
She's more than welcome to come too, so long as she has gotten over that me being responsible for the death of her cat thing.
you act like breakfast cereal isnt an entirely appropriate chaser
I just had some guy offer to eat me out on my lunch break... I think single life is getting better everyday
Did my good deed for the day.. Helped an old guy hide his beer on the NJ transit while the ticket lady came by
It'll be a Christmas-Fucking-Miracle if we get through the ceremony without a groomsman vomming
This makes me miss penis. Not in a horny way... but in a sad, sentimental way.
Current dream situation- Gordon Ramsey is my Uber driver and he's hauling around a backseat filled with chocolate covered açai berries. I'm good for eternity.
the bright side of moving is at least my Tinder options will refresh
Hey! How are you feeling? Still preferring soup over sex?
Almost ran out to the street bowl in hand when I hear the ice cream truck pull up outside.
Everything about that text makes me proud to be your sister.
I just found a condom in my jolly ranchers bag. This is a good omen.
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