were you the shorter or taller girl out of you two
Well, I fucked her. But the sex wasn't all that great. Morning sex never is
I am unfriending an ex-one night stand because his profile picture is of his wife's ultrasound.
She told me at midnight she would blow me harder than a new years party kazoo
Is it appropriate to put "Mommy and Daddys shitfaced-ness that led to Aubrey" on a birth announcement?
Well you two just had a kid in the middle of college, I dont think anyone will notice.
Thanks bro
By the power invested in me, I now pronounce your taco to be meaty. Meaty taco meaty taco meaty meaty meaty taco.
How do you feel? I threw up in a towel. Also, a lot of other things.
I feel as if we moved beyond the hook up stage when she blew me as I drunkenly finished my chicken nuggets.
I threw up in the kitchen on the floor and a guy tried cleaning it up with a spoon at a party.
There's a lady lying down on the sidewalk in front of our building smoking a cig
yeah im watching him make his speech now. cant take him seriously tho. hes talking about funding for education and all i can think about is how ive seen what he looks like wearing womens underwear...
The best part of Easter was watching all his colorblind cousins try to find the eggs.
The tequila monkeys have a drum solo in my skull right now. I can't imagine Emily feels better.
Is texting an old booty call with "can you still get your ankles behind your ears?" an appropriate way to reemerge into the singles scene???
Almost gave myself a concussion stealing a stuffed unicorn hanging on a street sign but hey I got home safe
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