you know you should just kill yourself when you are helping your 16 year-old sister get ready for a date and you're going out to dinner with you parents..
you really should stop posting my phone number on craigslist as tranny seeking tranny, last night i answered at family dinner and almost choked on my hot dog
do you not see the irony in that??
Going to Kmart high is like jumping in a time machine back to the 80s
i yelled out "tuesday" during orgasim. he fucked me into 2 days from now.
My mail consisted of a box of dildos and christmas card from grandma.
She told me she needed to clarify that we are not fuck buddies, we are best friends that have sex once in a while
I sang again at the bar lastnight I don't think alanis morrset knew when she wrote you outta know that the drunk version was going to be go fuck yourself Josh and Chelsea. I love $2 wells.
YOU CAN'T JUST DO COKE AND THEN CALM DOWN
Also, I cannot stop picturing myself in a bar, 3 years from now ordering soda. Just soda. 30 pounds over weight and wearing a cat sweater. I feel like I'm heading in the wrong direction in life.
Hey! I need booze. And penises. And a lot of mistakes that I will regret in the morning.
HELP! I GOT DRUNK IN THE LIVING ROOM AND CANT GET UP UPSTAIRS
Hey I can officially say I made out with a drug lord.
Hey. It's Michael. The guy that had his tongue in your mouth last night. Just wanted to check in with you.
You left your hot dogs in my dresser again
Your sister just admitted to being a " much bigger bitch" than you. So you've got that going for you, which is nice.
Randomize
