You picked a bad night to stay in. ____ caught her hair on fire in ____'s birthday cake.
She had to stop drop and roll while two other girls beat the flames out. She might have a black eye
Why did I cab home last night?
Because you said you were drunk, sad, and someone called you a hooker.
there should be a rule- if you jizz on it, you wash it
This pizza tastes like mashed potatoes. HOW HIGH DO YOU THINK I AM?
I'm telling everyone at work the mark on my neck is a hickey but really I was taking a shit while straightening my hair and burned myself
I can't believe I cried over a sausage mcmuffin.
Someone just bought me a one liter long island and call me maybe is on. I'm going to die
Just stared at a tree for a solid 5 minutes because I thought a German Shepard was perched on a limb.
Well. I hope my dad likes whatever sweater stoned me picks out.
All I'm saying is that if he knows his wife walks around naked during the day, he shouldn't bring a friend home for lunch and show up unannounced.
I drunkenly texted ur dad last night telling him he raised great kids hahahahaha
You handed me an unpeeled grapefruit off the frat basement floor and then took a bite out of it.
It was a blast. I was going to say that throwing up in the airport bathroom wasn't classy, but it's classier than quietly puking into a fast food cup while in your seat during takeoff...
How drunk was I last night?
You tried to unlock a door with your dick. That drunk.
Not the explanation for the cock bruise that I was looking for.
Tonight was a total waste of a shaved vagina
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