Would it be quicker to bike the freeway home?
It's true. Ladies love me because I'm so strong and they feel safe. Not because of my pseudo charm and their impaired judgement after several drinks...
Rule #1. Nothing comes between you and fantasy sports. Not even a hot chick willing to give you a blow job
I had a dream that I had 21 friend requests. it was the best day
He shit in the bushes next to the pool at the Venetian, after throwing up in the hallway. You really can do anything in Vegas.
She posts like 3 statuses a day pleading for pity. Responding positively would be like giving a dog a treat for shitting on the floor.
yeah, and when i walked in on them fucking he said "go away, i'm making sons."
By the way I peed in a mug last night cause you were in the bathroom and im pretty sure it is still in the kitchen.
He had a drawn-on fu manchu and now my vagina has one too.
She gave you a handy in the bar and you were surprised she was good with a dick?
Hahah good point
yo dude not sure how this happened but im drunk at your house eating burritos with your mom and sister. hope you're having fun in new zealand
I smell like a mix of alcohol, sweat, and sex and its only 10 AM
You know when you're a kid and you play at the pool until you passed out? It was like that except instead of playing it was sex.
i'm bringing homemade birthday cake and homegrown weed. how awesome is this text?
I'll get the most aesthetic strap on, you'll see
Randomize
