I really wish i had a penis so i could dick slap that bitch right now
I just counted my steps so I know when you start looking for you on my way back from the bathroom
You know how us drunks love counting steps
I just found her phone in the quesadilla maker...
Howd you meet this guy?
I found him next to my pants on sunday morn.
I'm deleting all the photos of dicks off my phone. This relationship could be serious
Found your pants. They were stuffed in the tank of the toilet.
I really don't want to. I just don't know how to nicely say "dude I'm having a rough time in life right now and I just need to dress like a stripper cop, get shit faced, and have dirty crazy sex"
JOY: That feeling when you crack open a handle for the first time, and the flow limiter comes off with the cap.
The amount of guys who just came into the room to give me a high five after hooking up with him was about 5 too many.
I don't know why I do this to myself his dick is a constant source of disappointment.
I thought since you asked to see my dick I might as well say hi
I'm pretty sure I broke my breathalyzer by breathing vaporized vodka into it.
What conversation warrents "penis" in rainbow comic sans
Please stop telling my mom she doesn't have nipples when she's been drinking. You know shell show you. Forcefully.
In the words of Disney’s Jafar, “desperate times call for desperate measures.”
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