apparently it's okay for him to stick his dick in my mouth but not to let me have a can of diet pepsi for the road.
I wonder what it would be like to go to the dry cleaners and not have to inform them that all my clothes are stained with booze.
I think Charlie st. Cloud is the saddest thing I can masturbate to.
Im watching him eat cream cheese and hot dog buns.
How do I know I'm high? Let me count the ways.
1. I put the milk in the cupboard, 2. Everything tastes fucking amazing, 3. My dog is really soft, 4. The lunesta butterfly flew out of my tv and touched me
This weekend has taught me that sometimes, being buried under a mattress is the safest place in the room.
Just had a horrible realization. I've fucked a guy with a webbed foot AND a guy with a third nipple.
I ordered a VEGAN pizza, because it gets here the fastest, just so I could get a 2 litre of Coke. For my whiskey.
I awoke this morning alone and naked in my bed I forecast my date later not going so well because I have three giant hickies on my neck there is a note next to my bed that looks a 3rd grader wrote it on my college acceptance letter
I mean I love some drunk compliments, but he just wasn't up to my low standards.
I do feel like I owe you an apology for trying to fuck your dad last night but in my defense everyone knows I shouldn't drink tequila.
I may have unintentionally punched your cat twice but he's an asshole anyway.
Dilemma. I'm out of wine and I can't put on clothes to go to the liquor store bc I just got spray tanned. If this isnt white girl problems I don't know what is.
I smell like heartbreak.
Tequila and sloppy rebound sex?
How did you know?
No you just wanted to pass out in your hallway because your room was too far away
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