My boss' voice literally gives me gas
well, I suppose if I had to pick a penis to represent the american public, yours would be it
so yeah i told her you were going to become a doctor and the first thing she said was "i still don't want to fuck him". i tried.
He passed out. Woke up long enough to declare himself "the sauce boss" and then bit me in the face.
He called my vagina a rainforest. This is coming from a guy whose pubes are longer than his dick.
He says he won't get serious until he screws an Asian and a virgin. I should just place an ad on Craig's List
Wanted: female 18-24 of Asian or partial Asian descent to fuck my ginger boyfriend. Must be willing and able to fake virginity. No emotional connection needed, just sex, just once. Further contact post sex not needed (or particularly desired)
I just realized that at some point last night I told someone I would only be friends with 16% of them because the other 84% stole my people's land
Did you know there is a guy on the porch, wrapped in your snuggie, singing no woman no cry and drinking wine coolers?
For the record, rock bottom is where you start crying during porn because your ex used to slap your ass like that.. Continue on with your day now.
We were all day drunk by 2pm. Now I know why they hate Americans
I want to be "performing a disservice to society by actually wearing clothes in public" hot.
I'm at my friends house alone, she's at spin class so I'm wearing her engagement ring and eating buffalo wings. It's 9:30am. Happy Valentine's Day.
Oh my fucking god that cat looks just like you after you accidentally took Ketamine
New rule: if someone asks if you would like to snort a xanax the answer is no.
I don't want to hook up with him sober. That's pretty much like saying I love you.
Randomize
