Make note: the first date is too soon to make the "condoms are only for making balloon animals" joke.
Dude, she's just using you for your money, and Cavs tickets.
Honestly, what else do I have going for me?
You make a valid point.
I get way too drunk to be trusted with family heirlooms
She called me her ex's name in a supermarket. How boring am I that she livens up shopping by thinking of another guy?
An attempt at squeezing a tomato to make a bloody mary just says desperation all over it....
Houston, we have a squirter
how many past hook-ups can i invite to go bar hopping with me for my b-day before it becomes a bad idea?
There were 11 girls in that minivan and everyone was either puking, crying, or yelling "we're a total shit show"
Do you think the neighbors will know I was the one giving out the penis shaped lollipops to the children?
Dear lord though. So much glitter. It's just a big gay explosion and all of my whore muscles hurt.
I'm still a bit day drunk and decided to go for a run. You may get a snapchat of me vomiting soon
girl pulled up to the stop sign, got out, threw up all over my hood said happy thanksgiving then drove off
Just so you know.. If you ever cheat on me, i will cut your dick and fingers off and post them as my cover photo on Facebook. Love you.
It was a glorious ass. He has amazing hands. I want to fuck him until he can't do math anymore.
I’m a women at a strip club dressed as post Malone
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