Today I made a list of everyone I have had sex with...there is more than double my age...
I texted her sayin "I gotta brush my teethn then Im omw" maybe hint to do the same
So I purposely left a bunch of metal in my pockets so that the smokin hot TSA officer would give me a pat down. Airport security just got fun
Have you been tested recently?
Well I got my shots when I was a baby so I think I'm immune
we managed to turn Dream Phone into a drinking game. don't hate.
There's something really special about 3:00 in the afternoon drunk that just can't be duplicated at any other time of day.
Dude, please wake him up, there are pills all over the floor and hes the only one who knows which ones to take simultaneously.
It'd be a romantic, consensual abduction
would you say our friendship is at the "help each other shave animal patterns in each other's pubes" phase?
I think it was the free bomb shots from the creepy bolivians that sent us over the edge
I have to tell him to stop eating me out so I'm not late for work; my life could be a lot worse.
I'm going to make a stack of pancakes and fuck it. Right now.
They sent him a photo of me smoking a bong whilst wearing the dinosaur head. I think that's the last we hear of his nonsmoking fitness freak ass 🤷🏼♀️
I woke up in the bathroom clutching a stuffed shark. My night was fantastic, thanks for asking.
I peed on his bed and he still likes me. #keeper
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