I'm gonna have bed sores at the end of this hangover.
MRIs the morning after St. Patty's Day was a poor choice.
Also, our mothers are placing bets on which of us will get pregnant first.
my dad's beating me at drinking again. No matter what i do I can't win.
Realized I'm still to drunk to comprehend work emails. Marked them all as unread. Here's to responsible hang overs.
Just think, if your stepsister would've gotten knocked up 2 years earlier, she could've had a TV show. What a bitch.
I took your shirt off for you after you threw up on yourself, read you the ugly duckling, and then tucked you in. you better fucking love me, jackass.
Lesson learned. Never get fingered on an airplane.
WHY AM I ALWAYS THE GAY FRIEND?!?!
I knew he cared when I got his text "happy birthday to the girl who gives phenomenal head"
You know you're old when tea and a hot bath are more appealing than beer pong with lesbians.
Recycling day makes me feel more like an alcoholic than regular days.
No gifts needed, but if you have fireworks or weed that'd be good.
Liar. My heart is broken and my boobs are disappointed.
Well you should have thought of that before you were reckless with your butt
Randomize
