You made me cry and you don't even care
It's an Italian thing I guess, grew up on that shit.
I'm Irish, we don't eat cow guts unless they're blended into a fine whiskey
Minivans at bars can only lead to bad things.
One of the cleaning ladies on my floor just screamed from the bathroom
officially spring now- first drug bust of the season across the street.
He tried to write down the address for the cab on half a bagel.
Do you have any idea how hard it is to concentrate on legal issues with the ghost of his giant penis in me?
So like 5 seconds in I realize I knew him in 3rd grade and I went limp in his mouth. It felt like I just murdered the last unicorn ever. Going straight never felt like an option till now.
The acoustics in my bra are fantastic.
How many trips to the liquor store in a week constitutes alcoholism?
Buying a pregnancy test at Walmart in the middle of the night in the middle of Tennessee is not really how I imagined my 25th year on this planet starting out...
You are lucky that I'm drunk. Otherwise I would bone you into another universe
Split a bottle of Johnny Walker and then decided to eat a shit ton of peanut butter. That was a rough bed to wake up in
I feel like people expect me to always be a sarcastic, shade throwing drunk. And you know me, I hate to disappoint.
He was fingering me and I came so hard that I actually broke his wrist. We're at the ER now.
Randomize
