I think thanksgiving was created so we could all be thankful that we're still alive after the night before.
I don't think I can fit "I'm sorry for ruining Christmas" on one cake. Better make two.
Is it bad that I was more upset about not getting the perfume he told me he had bought for me then the actual breakup?
Literally getting boned by my flask right now. I didn't really think about this whole sneaking past security in a skin tight dress.
Well, think of it this way, if this were 200 years ago your father would have received the most goats in all the village for your fertile loins. Think about that.
I think a 5 ft pyramid of jello shots in honor of the egyptians is in order
my first words to him the next morning were "do you like magic"?
I gave the bathroom attendant $5 last night for turning the sink on for me. What. The. Fuck.
So my parents just watched me pour their rum into a bottle and only add crystal light powder, no water... Talk about being judged. All I could say was "Cortland tricks?"
What's protocol when the 18 year old son of an anti-gay preacher sends you a message on Grindr during church?
I mean go ahead and let your freak flag fly but if you could not fly it in my bed that would be great
She said she was sorry for rolling around in her own vomit. Honestly, I thought it really added to the party.
How did the surgery go?
My face feels like a marshmallow.
I'm too picky for internet dating and by picky I mean psycho.
last night someone said that theyd like to do drugs with a dolphin ... judging from the diagram on the wall we figured it out.
all we need now is a dolphin ... and some drugs.
Randomize
